Witnessing the latest stalemate in the discussions around our nation’s budget inspired me to remember situations where I have had to collaborate with one or more parties where the ability to come to a common ground seemed near impossible. This is especially the case while conducting business internationally. I would witness very well-meaning people not be able to work beyond their differences, even though their highest-level goals and intentions were all in alignment.
Parties would focus more on being “right” then on working towards the goal that was right for the team, group, or business. The stakeholders would get lost in the details of what was being discussed and lose sight of the overarching goal. Competition would win over cooperation and meetings become chaotic and emotional.
Over time, I developed a method to help navigate these obstacles that commonly occur when working together towards a common goal.
The first step was to normally re-frame the intention of the group’s work together. Instead of using the word “negotiate”, I always used the word “collaborate”. The word “negotiate” immediately sets the context that stakeholders are approaching each other from a point of difference where they will need to work to resolve these differences to reach a middle ground. The word “collaborate” focuses on the commonalities between parties. When parties collaborate, they immediately start out working jointly together towards an endeavor. This one small step in re-framing the tone and intention jump-started the momentum of each group’s ability to communicate with each other and build on each other’s ideas and visions.
Many times when parties are required to work together, they represent a department, a company, a belief, a “side” to an endeavor. Just taking a moment to lower the defenses of each stakeholder to focus on their commonalities and the common thread that brought them together really helps to create authentic connections and respect amongst the individual stakeholders. If individuals are authentically choosing the same goals and choose to work together because they authentically share the same values, they authentically appreciate each other and support each other. Re-framing the focus to an environment of collaboration/cooperation vs. negotiation/competition helps to create an authentic and productive co-creative environment.
In addition, I realized how important it was to foster respect, compassion, and empathy within the group. The worst situations I witnessed involved anger, emotional outbreaks, and even name-calling. It was important to make sure to remind everyone in the room that we are all well intentioned sentient human beings that deserve respect from each other. It was important that we validated each other’s ideas, thoughts, and beliefs even if we did not necessarily agree with them. Allowing stakeholders a safe forum to explain their rationale behind or leading up to their ideas or beliefs created a classroom where people from different backgrounds and cultures could learn from each other. It was critical to approach each other with compassion because that would lower our defenses and judgment and help the group more easily reach a consensus and even evolve in the process. I coined this approach, “Compassionate Collaboration”.
This approach focuses on the emotional aspect of working with others. I believe emotions are great in the work place as long as they are helping fuel the creative process through passion. Emotional Intelligence is critical in successful “Compassionate Collaboration” because we are able to identify, understand, and manage our own emotions and are enabled and empowered to do the same with those we are working with.
The following are 6 easy tips I have found very helpful in rallying stakeholders in a collaborative effort to avoid a stalemate.
1. Define the common goal. What are you trying to accomplish as a group? It is more difficult to argue the “highest good” goal than it is the detailed activities and tasks proposed to achieve the goal. Having the goal clearly defined is a great way to bring the collaborative efforts back to focus.
2. Take initiative. Be brave. Share authentically your thoughts. Some of the best and innovative ideas and inventions were shots in the dark.
3. Be compassionate and respectful when providing feedback on each party’s ideas and thoughts. Don’t just throw out an idea if it seems foreign or far-fetched to you. Respect the new ideas. Out of these new ideas, evolution often occurs.
4. Listen with your heart. Try to understand the intent or rationale behind statements. Don’t listen only with your brain and analyze the grammar and semantics; this is especially helpful when dealing with parties from different backgrounds and cultures. Remember, don’t get lost in the weeds.
5. Above all, remember that you are all together to work toward a common goal. You are all human beings and the underlying motive is to do the best thing for the group. Understanding that will lessen the chance of fear-based reactions such as judgment, ridicule, and anger.
6. Stay out of the Drama Triangle: Persecutor, victim, hero. The Drama Triangle is a psychological model of dysfunctional social interaction where the focus is redirected from personal accountability to blame, defense and rescue. The Drama Triangle model illustrates a power game that involves three different but tightly related roles. When team members are authentic, accountable, and align to non-dualistic thinking, (right vs. wrong) the drama triangle dynamic ceases to be the default model of social interaction